Jail advice for Lofa Tatupu

Seahawks linebacker Lofa Tatupu pleaded guilty today to drunken driving and will spend a day in jail and pay fines totaling $1,255. Being a team captain and the undisputed leader of the defense, it was the right thing to do.

According to the AP, Tatupu will likely serve out his jail time before training camp opens July 24 and will be assigned the same jail cell as any other inmate facing the same sentence.

Now, I’ve seen lots of movies and spoken to guys who’ve been in jail. So, here’s some advice to survive the day:

• Kick the shit out of the first person you see. That way nobody will screw with you and everyone will think you’re crazy.
• Make sure you tell the other inmates that you’re a karate man and only bleed on the inside.
• At dinner, show everyone the video tape of you running over people in the January 2006 playoff game against Carolina. You’ll get extra cabbage.
• Go ahead and pass on a shower, you’re only in there for a day.
• Find a guy named Red and ask him if he can get you a rock hammer. Tell him it’s for shaping and polishing rocks – a little hobby of yours. When nobody is watching, use the miniature pick axe to dig a hole in the wall and escape from jail. We’ll be waiting for you in a little coastal town in Mexico. Do you remember the name?