General Manager
Are you a self-starting go-getter with a passion for managing an office while working on multiple projects at the same time? Well, look no further! A Japanese-owned major league baseball franchise, headquartered in the Pacific Northwest, is seeking a General Manager to run day-to-day operations and manage personnel.
Key Responsibilities
- Alienate core fan base while maintaining fresh and exciting choreography for the Dancing Groundskeepers.
- Scour the National League for players who have one break out year that can’t possibly translate to the American League. Sign player to long-term deal.
- Maintain 30-plus year streak of never making it to the World Series.
- Anger future hall of fame players, urge them to sign with other clubs or accept a trade to another team. Do this three or four times.
- Sign and overpay retirement age players to long-term contracts they can’t possibly fulfill.
- Deplete your minor league farm system by trading away young talent for mediocre pitching. Resign and overpay acquired pitching.
- Underpay junior members of the team, lose them in free agency or trade, and watch them blossom on rival’s ball club.
- Resign Joey Cora where ever he might be.
- Prior experience playing or watching baseball is preferred, but not required.
- Strike a delicate balance of increasing payroll year-over-year while lowering performance on the field.
- Must be a master of the obvious while being completely oblivious to your surroundings.
- Familiarity with Microsoft Office Suite.
- Must have intimate knowledge of bobble head dolls. Ensure there are at least 37 Ichiro bobble head giveaway nights. Kids love those stupid things.
- Must enjoy Nintendo products. Do you Wii?
- Maintain a Disneyland-like atmosphere at the ball park. Ensure paying customers do not offend anyone by swearing, drinking, wearing non-church-like attire - and absolutely no lesbian kissing.
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