Stern hopes Seattle gets an NBA team. Whatever.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average rallied nearly 3 percent yesterday, there’s an outside chance that The Mitten gets a job offer today that doesn’t entail mopping the men’s room of a Shell station, and NBA commissioner David Stern told Seattle Times columnist Steve Kelley that he believes Seattle will be an NBA city once again. Things seem to be coming around. And if you believe all that, I have an NBA team to sell you.

"(Seattle) was a great city for the NBA," Stern told Kelley during an NBA summer league game in Las Vegas. "It supported us very well, and we had great teams and great memories. I don't consider it a success that we left Seattle, but a failure of types. And I hope someday, whether on my watch or a successor's watch, that we again have a team in Seattle."

Well, whoopdy-freakin’-doo.

I don’t need to tell people in this area that Stern is a disingenuous troll. Listening to him is worse than watching reruns of the final 1994 playoff game against Denver. I think Kelley is a fine journalist and it takes some stones to corner Stern at the Summer League and ask The Commish if he’s got anything to say to the fans in Seattle. But at this point, any talk of a return rings hollow. There are a number of things that need to happen along with the planets aligning in constellation “The Glove” (OK, I made that up) for the NBA to return to Seattle.

1. All of the casual NBA fans in Seattle must be deceased. The damage has been done and they don’t care anymore. If anything, they won’t go to a single game because you slighted their beloved city. If the NBA has done any market analysis in the last 50 years they’d have learned that Seattleites and those living in the Puget Sound area are unbelievable sensitive and defensive when it comes outside perceptions of their city. You take a cut at the Space Needle and the gloves come off. It’s endearing, but also a little pathetic. There’s sort of a small man’s disorder in play here. Whatever the case, an entire market demographic has been lost due to the months-long dump the NBA and Clay Bennett took on the good people of the region. In 30 to 40 years, there will be a new generation who didn’t go through this ordeal who may become fans. But for the casual fans here right now, they are gone and they are not coming back.

2. The die hard SuperSonics fan needs to pass on his passion for the game to the next generation. Just as there will be a new crop of would-be casual fans of the NBA in 30-40 years (assuming the NBA doesn’t economically imploded), there will need to be the next generation of die hard Sonics fans because it may take that long before a team is relocated to Seattle. These are the sons and daughters of the folks who rallied outside the courthouse or drove down to Olympia to lobby for their team’s home. There will need to be people who can teach others what it means to be a SuperSonics fan. Let’s hope the die hards haven’t been tainted forever.

3. The CEO of the largest software company in the world needs to stop laying off workers. I’m not going to tell Steve Ballmer what he should or shouldn’t do – he’s got more money than God. But if he is going to buy a basketball team, he should wait until the economy improves, whenever and if ever that happens. Ballmer has bigger fish to fry closer to home. Google is making noise with a new operating system and is already pummeling Microsoft in search. The Zune player is an afterthought next to the iconic i-pod. And the brightest computer science and mathematics students don’t want to work for Microsoft. They’re going to Google or somewhere else. Can Ballmer own an NBA franchise and keep his foot on the neck of the competition in an industry that doesn’t sleep let alone blink? Maybe.

4. A new privately-owned arena must be built. If the city thinks it can keep The Key running and profitable while making sure it doesn’t become the largest eyesore in the state, then by all means let them. They think they can attract big crowds and generate revenue with graduations, Seattle U basketball and the occasional Barry Manilow concert. I’m curious to see if this plan works. But the bemoaning from the Queen Anne business community says it’s not. Those businesses are hurting now that the Sonics aren’t bringing in large crowds 40 times a year. Remodeling The Key seems to now be an acceptable solution for the NBA, even though it was the reason it left. To avoid a never-ending battle about whether or not the arena is suitable, someone with deep pockets will have to finance the construction of a new building. If done right and constructed in a prime location, I think it would be a cash cow for all involved. The state isn’t going to hand over the money, never will. All signs are pointing to a newer-new economy – one with fewer jobs, lower wages and less tax revenue for the government. Even if the arena tax plan was a low-impact solution, it’s still political kryptonite.

I hope I’m wrong about everything I outlined above. Given my track record, there’s a better than even chance that I am. But the NBA and Stern have dug quite a crater in this corner of the country. The TV numbers show that people around here are still tuning in to NBA games, but nobody will admit to watching one. I’m guessing most of these folks are transplants, keeping tabs on their hometown squad. As for me, a local yokel whose team was high jacked to Oklahoma City, I’ve had a hard time watching more than a few minutes here and there.

Oh, and a side note to the Portland Trail Blazers management who think we’ll all become fans of your team: Never gonna happen.