Super Bowl story lines you’ll never, ever avoid

This 2009 Super Bowl matchup couldn’t be more painful to watch for any set of fans than those of the Seattle Seahawks. The Arizona Cardinals will face off against the Pittsburgh Steelers, two teams that can bring out the worst in us.

The good thing is, everyone else will share in our misery as they are subjected to these story lines in the two weeks leading up to the game on Feb. 1 in Tampa Bay. (Preface for Steelers fans: Yes, Seahawks fans are still bitter. No, we won’t get over it.) Enjoy the game NFL fans!

10. Hey, did you know that Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt was a coach for the Steelers for six years before coming to Arizona? He was! He was! He was!

9. Former Steelers coach Bill Cowher isn’t doing anything right now, what does he think about all this? Does he like calling Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, “Big Ben?” You know, because he’s big and his name is Ben. We in the media think that’s really clever and we love clever.

8. Jerome Bettis used to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. When he was playing, everyone called him The Bus. He’s retired now, but did you know he’s from Detroit?

7. The last time the Steelers won the Super Bowl was Super Bowl XL in Detroit. Did we mention that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?

6. Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner used to play in the arena league. Hey, have you seen his wife yet, because we at the network plan on cutting away to her for between-play reaction shots about 147 times during the Super Bowl. We have no good reason to do this, but we can’t wait!

5. Both Roethlisberger and Warner wear gloves instead of not wearing them like most quarterbacks. We think this is really interesting even though most football fans just think they look stupid. We’re planning a 1-hour special on ESPN SportsCenter devoted to this topic alone.

4. Jerome Bettis is either punch drunk or constantly preoccupied with something else, but we at NBC will continue to roll him out in front of a camera so he can meander through what some folks call “game analysis.” You, the viewer at home will feel unbelievably uncomfortable and sad, but he used to play for the Steelers and ex-Steelers can pretty much do whatever they want. Take Terry Bradshaw for example.

3. Did you know that Roethlisberger is the youngest quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl? Before him, Miami quarterback Dan Marino was the youngest quarterback ever to play in a Super Bowl … and he’s from Pittsburgh. Don’t you think that’s incredible? No? Why not?

2. Our favorite gun toting, Republican sex symbol Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is a Steelers fan. I mean, when she’s not a card carrying member of the Seahawkers fan club that is. Say anything to get elected? You betcha!

1. Hey did we mention that Jerome Bettis used to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers? He’s retired now, but did you know he’s from Detroit? You did? Why are you turning off the… .